Adorable Delusions

You said that you wanted to keep me in your life, but I couldn't do it. 

Somewhere during our time together, or the interaction that surfaced between us, I lost a fraction of who I am and all I needed was your presence in sweet, daily doses that gave me that rush of adrenaline, and the intangible thrill that I craved. That's not how it began. When our silent dialogues began with the eyes, I would glance at you timidly while you roamed the unit in scrubs and even on a busy day, I'd feel your eyes resting on me from across the room. In my mind, I labelled you shy but mysterious and I guess I thought that you liked me. I wasn't chasing the growing appeal you had, but I didn't have to - it was something that existed in and of itself; I was curious and you were sketchy, and the two profound qualities made for something we called adorable madness; an obsessive and momentary type of love that does not involve the external world, but only the one we created together. To most people, that would sound like an absurd delusion consisting of denial, and about 900 missing pieces to a 1000-piece puzzle. 

It's hard to be objective when emotions seduce the mind and blur out logic. Instinctively, I must have known that I was in the midst of some kind of danger, but it's fair to say that I liked the light too much to fear the flame. The details I lacked from you made you all the more intriguing, and before I could say 'I'm out of here,' I was helplessly addicted to your charming, comforting presence, and something about the way you looked at me made me feel like the fire we built was a mutual crime, where you needed me just as badly, just as frequently. Maybe you did. Maybe you enjoyed the way I made you feel so worthy like no one has in quite some time. Maybe you allowed me to get that close because you couldn't stand to lose me. Maybe I was the medicine that would bring you some sort of hope in your darkest times, and maybe you were in love with me and you didn't even know it. But maybe I was wrong about everything, and nothing ever existed between us but the fragmented delusions that were created one-sidedly. 

You said that you wanted to keep me in your life, but I couldn't do it. In between our time of sweet dialogues and passionate flirting, there existed long time frames that were spent waiting, hoping, and dreaming of a day where a profound transformation leads us to some sort of fairy tale that involves the both of us in the external world, with real commitment and real love that doesn't depend on electronic letters and the odd times when you'd show up to make me happy. I ran out of emotional energy to deal with things that hurt me, namely the images that were planted in my mind about what you craved and whom you desired. 

It hasn't been a long time since then, but I do miss many things about you immensely. You appear in my dreams consistently and sometimes, I wish this was an awful nightmare that comes to an end soon. You said that you wanted to keep me in your life, but I couldn't do it because I realized what I'm worth and it is much more than waiting for a fairy tale that doesn't exist with you. 

P.S. Happy belated birthday.

Give Me Something

I'm stuck - stuck in the middle of the sentence I was writing and the words refuse to come to me. Your eyes greet me in silence as I glance up toward you - the same eyes that gave me their undivided attention since the first word that escaped me. Your ankle is crossed over your knee as you hold a cup of tea, slouching neatly. Almost careless, with that drowsy look you're wearing, except anything but careless is what you are. You stare at me poetically, stealing a fraction of my soul. 

The loose tie around your neck catches my attention. We speak with the eyes as the energy multiplies between us, revealing each bit of lust in our silent dialogue that glistens, yet neither of us act on it. The atmosphere remains silent and tender, and the only thing that makes a sound is the fireplace as it crackles. Your teeth dance across your lower lip, melting me slowly but surely. Then you take a sip from the warm cup in front of you and a smirk unfolds along my lips.

A towel is wrapped around me, yet my flesh is not revealed - I rest beneath your harmless gaze, and as you watch me write, sitting right across from me, intensity builds and the angle that your neck rests on calls for me. We are stuck in a glare that is ruled by passion, yet you don't lay a finger on me, and I don't reach out to touch you. I embrace the scent of your skin and the cold look on your face, as a layer of warmth betrays it. One touch to break the silence - that is all it takes to unveil me. But a battle forms between this very tender moment and the darker side of our conscience that screams for dirty filthy passion. I watch as a smile makes its way across your lips, and in the timeframe it takes to catch your eyes once again, we both choose the moment, recognizing its incomparable value as we sit there in silence, prolonging each second that passes. 

…so you continue to watch me write each word. And as my fingertips reach the final letter, I glance up at you with a genuine smile on my face, and finally you reach me. You are tender and gentle, placing a kiss on my forehead, and I come into your arms, holding onto you tightly, with lips slowly running down your cheek. The lust still exists between us, but it transforms into a calm atmosphere filled with compassion, your fingertips playing along the back of my neck. I touch your lips, and there are kisses in between, but the remainder of the night belongs to a dialogue of silence - it is really quite beautiful. 

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.

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I keep forgetting to tell you this; thank you for every ounce of adorable madness.

Teaspoon of Bitterness

Did not end up leaving earlier tonight because of a false sense that the atmosphere had changed in a good way. Must be more trusting of my intuition - it is usually a deadly one, but no use crying over spilled milk - I've decided to stay one more night to be greeted by insomnia.                

I am writing from my phone and most likely, the format of this will be unattractive, but I feel compelled to keep track of these thoughts before they snack on my conscience and sprinkle me with a teaspoon of bitterness. I never quite decided the purpose of this blog, but it seems to be doing a good job in tracking my thoughts when they're not so pleasant, so I think I will keep this going when things don't add up - it helps me paint a picture of my mind's interior.

My mind is a complex place right now. I'm laying in my four-postered bed that was a gift from myself after a break-up, and I want to ask my sixteen-year-old self why she chose red for the walls in here. It makes me miss the tender grey shades that I wake to these days. I don't know where I'm going with this post, so I guess I'm going nowhere. I hope I don't find myself writing here too often in the time that is to come. I am prone to ramble tones when I'm feeling uneasy and talk about things that won't matter tomorrow.

I don't think that a week has ever felt so long. I can't describe the relief I feel for leaving this place - the best decision I've ever made was to move out. It's Sundayyyyyy.  Remind me to give my intuition more credit, and pinch me if I don't. 

Lucidly Untitled

Just completing the collection of thoughts the last few days; I thought I'd last well through Sunday, but have decided to leave tonight - once again, the day didn't start out on a positive note and I'm not used to waking up to negative energy anymore. My life is different now, and most days I awake in peace. 

The day progressed decently, but don't feel like mentioning its details minus the yummy bubble bath I had and the long conversation with someone far away. Cooking always calms my nerves when they're negatively charged, but nothing competes with the thought of HOME. 

Had a fascinating dream that was almost lucid, but not entirely. 

Don't have a lot to share today - I won't be writing as much as I have been - these consistent entries were provoked by negative energy as a way to flush my thoughts clean. 

Had some interesting realizations over vanilla tea - I know now that the universe has not forgotten me :-))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).

In Case I'm Asleep

Well, writing every night seems to have become a habit, so I thought to continue just to ease my mind and create some routine until Sunday comes around and I leave for home. I'm feeling better tonight but the day didn't start this way and I'm thankful for progress - I am starting to think that the Universe has not forgotten me; not at a time like this. 

There were arguments and bickering earlier in the day, along with a feeling of utter hopelessness, but I'm pleased to realize that I have written this in past tense and the evening feels much more peaceful. A 'walk' in the cool autumn air with a great trance mix playing seemed to clear my thoughts up quite nicely, and a pleasant dinner date patched up the day, planting a seed of acceptance somewhere in my unconscious. 

This apartment is always so cold - I am definitely missing the cozy feel of my place and the luxury of chilling in a towel all day, but maybe these few days were necessary because I'm really starting to see how far I have come in a matter of a year. It is making me realize that what I set out for originally is well within reach and these ups and downs and cracks in between will not be permitted to slow me down. 

I admit that people have stepped over their boundaries and triggered some emotions that are both uncalled for and unnecessary, but what's enlightening is the self-love that allows me to tune it out. I refuse to adopt any negative energy - my time is of value, and thankfully enough, it is almost Sunday. I cannot wait to dive into my white leather platform bed, freed from what feels like an unpleasant dream. Pinch me if I happen to be asleep. Goodnight. 

Tick Tock

I do not enjoy being here, not right now anyway. Once upon a time, the bed that I rest on marked a place of comfort and secrecy in between encounters linked to  need for privacy and craving for inspiration. The red walls don't call me in as they used to, and to put it to you simply, I don't want to fucking be here. Excuse my profanity, I can assure you I was raised correctly, provided that our values are equally corrupted.

I don't need to be here - I came here to make it easier on someone else when all hell breaks loose to the sight of a dirty dish. I came here in the hope to provide a sense of stability in a time of grief, but it feels like I am here for nothingness minus the dogs that wag their tails to every single sight of me - they're making this worth it among all else that frustrates me, yet I am pleased to inform you that the clock is still ticking. Tick tock, told you so; listen to silence - it deafens you instantly, stealing your sanity; who did you say you were and what is it you want from me? Dig deeper...you're missing something. 

I have bad memories here. Memories of struggle and a feeling of emptiness that I don't want to remember. I escaped that state some time ago, and forgive me if I'm not too thrilled about the reminder of chaos; the unwanted type. This week has ignited a spark in me that is not warmly welcomed, but every now and then, the road shakes you up a bit before a smooth ride begins. 

Nobody likes to feel unappreciated after good cards have been dealt out of their very hands. 

I want to go home...it doesn't feel so lonesome when no one is around. 

Lingering Thoughts

There is an atmosphere in the air now that I can't seem to put my finger on. Death is surrounded by a gloomy, unspeakable emotion, that for the life of me, can't be transformed to words. To put it into perspective, I was blessed to grow up around grandparents who were significantly younger than average - the concept of death has never crossed my path, let alone the paralysis of emotion closely accompanied by it. If I were to be honest with you, I would also need to tell you that despite the gloom that persists, none of it has hit me yet - with the exception of the the guilt that forms to every genuine smile on my face. I can't tell you what it is like to go through this, for I do not know yet. I can only speak of the lingering thoughts that pass through me consciously, waiting for a familiar jolt to form in me, as inspiration steals my soul. 

I have fallen in love with my life; most days, I am thrilled to awake beneath the pure white sheets that warm my skin in the midst of the breezes that dance their way up to the third floor. I am thrilled to converse with the people who surround me and I can easily become passionate to topics pertaining to philosophy, relationships, and the concept of balance. I know what it feels like to appreciate education, and I sincerely light up with happiness when the kids I work with reveal a sparkle of joy and excitement in their eyes. I feel a sense of fulfillment from being with immediate family, and the wagging tails of the dogs that live here never fail to overjoy me. I find myself anticipating all that is to come as I transform into the best possible me. 

Nobody is built a flawlessly constructed path free of uphill ramps and downhill ramps, and all of the cracks in between that seem to shake you up a bit. What I'm learning more profoundly each day is that self-love breeds in you a substance that is both irreplaceable and infinite - and something so powerful never goes unnoticed by the Universe. If you are reading this, I hope that you are smiling - you are great. You are unique. You are irreplaceable. You are loved.